I told a man I am interested in him.
He told me he is unavailable.
Of course there is disappointment that I don't get to explore this interest. But I thought that after the loss I have experienced these types of disappointments wouldn't bother me so much.
I was wrong.
They bother me in a new way. This disappointment is different than those times where I liked a guy in my teens or early 20s and he didn't like me back. Those hurt enough. But this time the pain it brings up is less about the guy I am interested in and more about what I have already lost. It reminds me of how I no longer have a great love in the flesh.
I spent 5+ years of my life being worshipped (as any woman should be by her lover). I guess this made me a little overly confident that any man would love to be with me as much as my husband did. The fall from that pedastal feels less like an ego crush and more like a reality check. It's not that I had some inflated ego. I just had someone reflecting back to me all of my magic and wonder all the time.
Then suddenly I didn't.
I know that everything he reflected back to me was true. But not everyone is designed to be the mirror that always shines back our magic and wonder. Some are designed to be the mirror that shows us other aspects of ourselves.
Like maybe we aren't really as ready to move forward as we thought we were.
Or maybe we have standards that not everyone is designed or ready to meet.
Or maybe we have other things to focus on right now and patience is going to need to be employed for a little while.
Or maybe this mirror comes as a messenger to show us that we are actually ready to move forward and open up in this way again.
For me this new reflection has brought up layers of pain and grief that I didn't realize were there.
When you think you have reached the bottom, just keep digging.
Borrowing a line from my friend and astrologer Virginia Rosenberg, "I feel like my soul has been running a marathon." I am feeling the highs of romantic interest and speaking my truth. I am feeling the lows of unrequited love, grief, loss, and the realization that I am still in deep transformation. The woman I am now is not the woman I was before and there is still a lot of transformation happening. Perhaps the pain is also a type of labor pain as I birth this new version of who I am. The waiting, the discomfort, the contraction, the release.
Whatever the explanation is I have a feeling it goes beyond words, try as I might to find them. I am reminded again that life is not for the faint of heart.
Our hearts break so they can open. Then they expand, break, and open again.
This shit is hard. And yet something about it feels so right and so honest. Seeing ourselves as we are, feeling everything, continuously refining ourselves to our ever-evolving truth. This is the journey that we came here for. The journey that takes us just as much inward as it takes us outward. The journey that IS everything but from the outside sometimes looks like nothing at all.