Have you ever had the feeling that something bigger is going on than meets the eye? Maybe the radio played the perfect song at the perfect moment, maybe you stubbed your toe, maybe the waitress has your late grandma's name, or maybe you dropped your favorite necklace in the toilet. Is it a sweet coincidence, unfortunate occurrence, or something bigger?
(warning: a little TMI below)
I had one of those moments the other day when I actually DID drop my favorite necklace in the toilet. Well, actually it was more like the stone from my necklace leapt from my chest and dove into a toilet bowl of pee.
After relieving myself, I was buttoning my jeans when I saw something black falling in the corner of my eye. I heard a ding! followed by a plop! I looked down to see that the blue tiger's eye stone from my favorite POUND pendulum had fallen off it's chain into the toilet. I guess the metal attachment had loosened and as I stood there the stone came loose. Luckily I had just gone "number 1" because I hadn't flushed yet when I fished my stone out of the toilet bowl. When I picked it up I saw that a piece of the stone had chipped off in the fall.
What makes this a little more interesting is that this happend on the the anniversary of the day I met my late husband. And at the time of the pendulum/toilet incident I was on my way out the door to do some of the seemingly never-ending paperwork that comes after someone dies. I had bought this blue tiger's eye a year ago and I wore it as a way to anchor my strength as I learned to live without him. The freakish way the stone leapt from its chain only to break as it entered a toilet full of pee was both heart-breaking and humorous.
I remember hearing a while back that when we wear or carry healing stones and crystals they often take energetic hits for us. Meaning, sometimes our stone breaks so we don't have to. Or sometimes they break when we are breaking through to new ways of being. I recall another time when this happened to me. It was two days before my husband had his accident and I was wearing my rainbow moonstone necklace at a meditation gathering. As all crystals do, rainbow moonstones have some unique healing properties. A few being that they are known for strengthening psychic perception and compassion. They are a deeply intuitive stone.
After the meditation I was speaking with a friend when I realized my stone had broken. I was mid-sentence when I held up my hand to pause our conversation and tell her what happened. I took a take a deep breath to feel the disappointment and then to compose myself before moving forward. After giving me a moment my friend said, "I know that feeling. The feeling when you lose or break something really important to you and you just have to take a moment to acknowledge that there is nothing you can do about it."
She was right.
I needed that moment.
I remember the moment feeling really thick.
I remember the disappointment feeling disproportionate to what had just happened.
I remember allowing myself to feel it anyway.
Two days later when I received the news of my husband's passing her words echoed in my head.
"There is nothing you can do about it."
And I realized why that moment when my necklace broke was so heavy.
The stone knew.
The other day after my blue tiger's eye chipped, I wrote another friend of mine to tell her. She reminded me of this idea that stones often take hits for us. She reinforcing what I already knew; that something bigger is going on here.
I was drawn to this particular stone is because, in my grief, I resonated with dark color. It also has the shape of a heart, reminding me that in the darkness there is love. In this last year I have spent plenty of time exploring the love within darkness. And while I am aware that this has taken courage, I am finding now that for me it is taking even more courage to come back into the light.
Right now my challenge is to be Light. And this feels odd because Light traditionally is so appealing and fun. It seems it should be easy to make my intention to have fun. But I am seeing how out of practice I am with this. I know how to enjoy myself, but I have been missing out on the light, silly, child-like fun that just sprinkles the day with joy. And right now I am needing to summon up more courage to step back into this kind of Light.
It is time I put more attention on joy and laughter again as a way to heal.
It is time I start lightening up and setting down the loads I no longer need to carry.
The reassuring news is that I don't need to think about this transition as letting go of anything. That can be scary and feel really icky. Not only do I not want to let go of much of my past, I don't feel like that is the point. I don't need to let go of my love, my loss, my grief, and all the joys that brought me to this moment. I just don't need to carry them with me at all times. My past is and will always be a part of me. I can set it down and never lose what I had. That's the amazing thing about who we are- it's always there whether we realize it or not. We don't need to struggle to hold on and we don't need to question if we should let go.
Existing is much simpler than that.