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Disclaimer: I have never really liked the term "widower"... to me it sounds like they are the makers of widows. I don't like it. Despite my distaste for this word, I will use it for lack of other option.
I befriended a widower. Well, he befriended me.
It came right after I declared to the Universe (and social media) that I am open to relationship. Then with a little red notification I had a message from him. A man I had never met before. Connected through our losses. We wrote back and forth.
It felt like flirting.
I think it was.
It was weird because I had not flirted with anyone since Jhonny.
But it felt good. It felt good to get that little flush feeling and to snoop around his pictures.
He has a nice smile.
He is cute.
He seems friendly.
We set plans to meet for dinner. I was excited and then suddenly I wasn't.
I was terrified.
I was sad.
I didn't know which restaurant to go to because they all reminded me of Jhonny. Some I haven't been to since he passed. Some I have been purposely avoiding. But any one of them would be perfect for dinner with a new friend.
So I picked the one that felt the least charged.
Then our plans fell through and I was relieved.
I didn't anticipate these dinner plans to bring up so much pain about Jhonny.
"Maybe I'm not ready," I thought.
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I told a man I am interested in him.
He told me he is unavailable.
Of course there is disappointment that I don't get to explore this interest. But I thought that after the loss I have experienced these types of disappointments wouldn't bother me so much.
I was wrong.
They bother me in a new way. This disappointment is different than those times where I liked a guy in my teens or early 20s and he didn't like me back. Those hurt enough. But this time the pain it brings up is less about the guy I am interested in and more about what I have already lost. It reminds me of how I no longer have a great love in the flesh.
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Every experience seamlessly rolls into the next. Some we may choose, some we may avoid if possible. But every experience is connected to the other and offers an opportunity to learn, to grow. As more and more of us get to know the Soul that we are we begin to hold visions for how we would like to express our Souls, ourSelves, in the world. Sometimes this process moves faster than we would like and often times it moves slower. The message that keeps coming through for me in those moments of overwhelm or feeling lost and those moments of impatience is, "I am right where I need to be."
What if we all are right where we need to be?
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Last night in ceremony to honor the Autumnal Equinox we were invited to let go of something that was possibly in the way of fulling acknowledging or stepping into the next stage of our life, our full power, and, in the right time, the Queen within.
When I prayed for guidance on what to release only one item came to me. Over and over again. "The tan and black shirt you were wearing when you got the call about Jhonny." (my husband who passed away last year)
I waited for something else to come through. Nothing.
I had worn that shirt only a couple times since, both at Qoya retreats. Both times I wore it intentionally to help me go deeper into my feelings.
"But it's a cute shirt," I resisted.
There was no further explanation given. No need for one. I knew it was time. I knew this was the item that represented what I was ready to release.
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Title is a lyric from "Dear Believer" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
The way I see it is there is plenty of pain and suffering that is simply a part of living on Earth. Birth is painful, growth is painful, dying and loss are painful. All of these are a part of life, no choice.
You want to live? You have to deal with all of them.
Every other pain is not guaranteed and much of it we create for no good reason at all. Yes we learn so much from all of the pain, including the pain that we created without real need, but what if there was a way to lessen how much pain was in the world? What if we could have a world with less conflict, violence, hate, and suffering?
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More than it being Heaven AND Earth, this photo shows me that we are living Heaven ON Earth. The thing that trips people up is that we also see Hell on Earth. So how can there be both?
If we want to experience one we have to be willing to acknowledge the other. It's all a part of one whole.
This photo was beautiful when my husband first took it a month before his passing. In some ways it is even more beautiful now. The light he was able to share with the world had a lot to do with his openness to seeing the dark, not hiding from it, and facing it within the world and within himself.
As painful as it has been I am grateful that he taught me this lesson. In his life and in his passing he has been my biggest teacher in Light and Dark (and Love) exploration. And I am more whole because of him.
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As individuals we change.
As we receive new information we grow and evolve.
If we wish to practice authenticity
then we need to be willing to embrace this change
as it comes.
She is reborn; new and more expressive of the heart that beats inside, more generous of her offerings. She is not perfect. There is already a list of areas that will be evolving over the next few months. But she is here. She is out in the world, unapologetic, unafraid, unveiled.
Who is she?
She is me, she is you, she is the potential of every woman, man, and child. She is a reflection of all of us here, simply showing up as the truth of who we are, right now, yet unstuck and willing to change.
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There are times to hold on
and there are time to let go.
It is a practice to determine what time it is.
Sometimes our holding on is because we are still being served by that which we are holding. Sometimes our holding on comes from a fear of what we might lose in letting go... Will we lose the memories, the lessons, the love?
What if we couldn't lose that which matters most?
What if the only way we could truly know that something can't be lost is by letting go of it first?
This last weekend I cleared out my husband’s closet. He passed away over a year ago and until these last few days I was not ready to move or release his belongings. They helped shape the walls of the cocoon I have retreated to while in the altered state of consciousness that is grief. On some level I acknowledge that my holding on also had a little to do with the fear that in letting go of his belongings I would be letting go of our memories, his essence, his love.
As I removed each item and determined where it would go next -my storage, his family, or our friends- I felt a lightness return to my being. There were tears, there was sadness, there was anger and grief. But there was also a sense of elevation and continuation. For I could feel that his love was not embedded in the threads of his jeans but in the vibration of my spirit. I could feel that the things that mattered most to me about my husband could never be lost.
What if we couldn't lose that which matters most?
What if the only way we could truly know that something can't be lost is by letting go of it first?
This Saturday we dance with the question "to hold on, or to let go?" We dance to connect with the pieces that can never go away. We dance knowing that there is no way we can do this wrong. In our time spent with that which we are holding -grief,fear, nostalgia, anger, hope, doubt, weight- we can learn so much. And in our letting go we also gain so much.
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"We all begin as a bundle of bones
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"You cannot throw me to the wolves.
They come when I call."
-Unknown
As we forge ahead in our own journeys may we remember to call on guidance and energies that can help light our way. This guidance can come from living teachers, ancestors, animal archetypes, and more. Today I call on the Wolf, a pack animal; protective, loyal, confident, and wildly intelligent. May we call on the wolf for protection, guidance and strength.
In Qoya we dance for ourselves and our own healing and we dance for the collective and our collective healing. Regardless of whether our focus is on ourselves, our family, our friends, or the collective-- our dance serves All.
May our dance help our awakening.
